Lacuna

Through and through

To my random writes born of sadness and sighs…

To my uncaged words, kept but freed in cords…

Here’s to more. 🍻

There’s a great responsibility in knowing what stands between wanting something and letting it go. When it no longer fills you up and makes you happy, don’t lie to yourself and keep a blind eye on that. LET IT GO. Toxicity bleeds much darkness if you continue to let it flow.

When you go through shits a lot and you realize that not all things will go in your favor, you learn to accept things as they are or what they’re supposed to become.

I think, your self love and self care should be louder than any other else’s insecurities, put downs, and opinions. You made you. You take care of you and you strengthen you. Don’t take BS just because they feed you that. Know better. Love yourself harder.

Healing is not something you just wake up okay with. It is knowing what bothers you. Dealing with it; coping with what you are into; and keeping it cool. No matter what, never lose your shit. Break but mend it back.

It’s always a constant anarchy right in here. All the mess, the roots and the ashes, it roots deeper within. Consuming every ounce of sanity there is. And I guess, that won’t end there. It will always be just like that. What I do hope, is to conquer it still. I root for a stronger mind. Beyond distraction and fears. 💕

The best and worst place you’ll ever be is within your mind. –Z

In between my maybes

I came to see you today.

It had been a year or so when I last saw that almond-shaped eyes that used to smile uncaringly whenever it meets mine.

“How have you been?”

“I just want you to know that I still – “

“Can we just get straight to the point and get over it?”

“She’s staying with me. You can still visit her anytime. Just let me know.”

Without saying another word, she turned and left.

Clicking heels on that roughly cemented walk.

That was it?

No more agenda for us?

I want us to try again.

Even if it means trying to take the most effort, I’ll risk that.

I’ll take my chance just to be with her. To be with Elle.

I want to beg you.

To ask just a little of your time.

I’ll prove you wrong.

We can still make it work.

Please…

“Excuse me sir, can you take that side of the street?”

LOST.

I am and I know, without you, I’ll never be found.

“Not all love is worth the fight, cause sometimes, you gotta learn when to surrender when there’s nothing left to be fought for.” — Z

📷 : ctto c/o pinterest

Sober Or Sane

There’s this bitter lump in my throat.

Like a bile that I won’t be able to swallow, I felt its constriction. — Too poignant for my taste, I could feel myself throwing up.

I opened my eyes and reveled that memory of you.

I felt nostalgic.

Certainly I miss you but sadly, I should not too.

Everytime I pass by memory lane, I abruptly shake thoughts of you away; trying to evade that delusional time.

That one time I was given a chance to be with you and I felt myself lose all my rationality.

How did you do that?

It is strange for me to take that leap for I value my reasons over my inhibitions.

And it felt great to let lose.

To fully access all your capabilities and be rewarded for that.

That had been the best part, to give yourself that freedom that you truly deserve without thinking of any consequences thereafter.

But my reverie was just a thought.

I can’t be back knowing that there’s nothing worth my glance.

Some beautiful things just end without notice.

I knew what I signed up for and I understand the absence that’ll follow.

I was prepared for that.

But.

Even if I knew, I know I would still long for you.

Tu me manques my Icarus.

Always.

“There’s a thin line between sanity and decisions. You’ll know you’ve lost it when you are no longer sane to decide.” –Z

📷 : ctto – Quotecatalog

Never enough

If I was, you shouldn’t have left.

You shouldn’t have made promises that meant nothing but its emptiness.

It was not easy to look over what has been cause every time I get flashes of what you’ve done, I always go back to counting the times where I doubted my capacity to love.

Was I really not enough?

Then why did you do that?

I remember looking at the door everyday of that time.

Waiting for a knock and burst it open only to find myself lost in a thought that’ll never come.

Lost and confused over what happened when deep inside me, I know there’s nothing I lacked more than that of reminding myself that you just no longer want to be with me.

I still get my nightmares.

My sleepless nights. My unravelled “whys”.

Shouldn’t love be easy?

Then why do I feel like an estranged soul after what you did?

It’s as if I am always lost.

Present but drifting away.

Will this ever end?

I know healing is my responsibility.

But how far can my medication take me when I’m beyond repair already?

I want answers and I have been searching for so long hoping I’ll be able to come up with one.

Tough luck but the cure is still nowhere to be found.

“I don’t like sugar-coating the truth with a fancy lie.” -Z

📷 : ctto

On your behalf…

I know you are brave.

Not just enough for h**.

You’ve got lots to say but can’t.

Compromised over a sprung of emotions that has been trying to creep.

For a dozen of times, I thought about the things that you could have done but you chose not to.

What’s holding you back?

Are you afraid of the answers that will be given?

Or the connection that might be cut off?

I know you hate the “what if’s,” the unanswered queries, but mostly, I am more afraid of the late nights that you’ll spend alone.

Sober but all the more empty.

I fear your strength could be more than your capacity to handle it.

I fear your detachment from reality’s strife.

But most of all, I fear you losing yourself over someone who cannot see your true worth.

You are more than a flicker of h** thoughts.

More than midnight shots and drunken words.

More than anything temporary and indecisive.

So much more than anything less.

I like to see you happy cause you deserve that.

We all do.

And even if it’s way too much of a risk, I’d indulge you still.

Happiness has its price.

And so do you.

“Going after what we want will always cost more than the price of having it.” —Z

To the Man who is too selfless for his own good…

I saw you.

Smiling through a heaved sigh.

I followed your gaze and there, from a distant cove of unsheltered lights, she stood.

Gay as the beaming sun striking in her tranquil face.

Looking back at you, I can’t help my escaped mirth.

You looked torn!

That “I-wanna-go-to-you-but-I-can’t kind of face.”

What has gotten into those happy-go-lucky boy 6 years back?

I guess Aphrodite must have beaten your clock to make you look like that.

Those stare you are giving, exudes nothing but affection.

You are falling. I know.

Or perhaps you already fell.

Fell for that one thing you ever desired and wanted since.

It takes a lot to go after what you truly want.

Even if it means countless sleepless nights and unending what if’s, just go.

Risk that chance and take what you can get.

Whether it’ll give the result you yearn or not, at least you took the chance.

You were brave enough to go after what you truly want.

Someday, you’ll receive your reward too.

Maybe not what you expected but someone whom you actually needed.

“Stars will conspire and whatever your heart desires, will soon find its way to you.” —Z

M y I C A R U S

You are and you will always be.

You broke my rules and redefined my principles.

For the first time, I felt allowed.

Free. Wanted.

I used to be that kid who needs to earn whatever I desired.

There was no easy way because most things have its price and that every approval seems a hard catch.

“Wanting something for yourself is indeed brave.”

There’s courage in asking for things that you know are not easy to have; and much in accepting rejection or failure.

Where I’ve been taught me so much about how I look at life now.

Open yet uptight.

Brave yet kind.

‘Twas good. Undisclosed and complacent.

Until I crossed a darker shade of passion and pull.

Enticing. Bewildering. Lethal.

A sudden liking on one sip that exploded a crucial flavor of unruly desire.

I look at you and sparks dissolved.

Like an eruption of unpredicted upshots, I was taken aback.

Reality hitting a tormenting blow.

One question that spelled “yes” but the answer was a sturdy “no.”

I can’t trade a moment of fancy for the unknown.

Or can I?

Cause that one crazy time, I forgot my sanity and replaced it with yours.

As much as I’d like to delusion my mind, I’d rather keep those memories alive.

You’re one hell of an adventure.

Beyond my reasoning. Beyond my wildest imagination.

My benefit forgone for that cost I avoided.

I want you. I still do but sadly, I can’t too.

How can you lose something when it was not even a gain?

📷 : ctto

S T R A N G E

Isn’t it strange?

How I clearly remember the creases on your forehead whenever you seem to be skeptical.
How the side of your eyes wrinkle as you crack an uncaring smile.
The distant echo of your laughter replaying in my head, casually amused over something I did.

Isn’t it strange?

To recall tiny details of you as I listened on a song singing,

“I’d be lying if I said I’m not attracted,”

cause my eyes cannot really lie bout that.
To recognize your voice even when I haven’t heard from you for a long while.
To get lost in a trance reminiscing your lazy strides toward the room, like you own the place.

Isn’t it strange?

How I envisioned you standing next to me, without a word to say but sending enough shivers down my spine.
Like a sultry blow teasing little kisses on you, and I sighed as I inhaled that manly scent again.
What has gotten into me?
There’s tension, I am vaguely feeling a heated passion that is slowly rising to life.

Isn’t it fckin strange?

To feel things like this when I know I shouldn’t?

It is strange because this is not me.

This cannot be.

You cannot demand more than what you’ve only bargained for. –Z

📷 : Ctto

C A N I?

Before I sleep tonight,
you came into my mind.
Like a sharp cut on a soft flesh.
Poignant. I winced.

I shut my eyes to shake
thoughts of you away.
Tough luck, it just got worse.
Dreamy, that’s how I went.

Trailing on memory lane,
my steps never faltered.

The closer I get,
the curious I become.
The more I probe,
the deeper I wanna go on.

One touch and I melt.
Twas what I expected, but the aftershock,
out of my control.

I used to think you were forbidden.
An aching desire like Eve’s to the apple.

Irresistible.

You wakened the slumbering passion
I used to cage.
Damn it!
How will I be able to sleep?

You know what they say about nightmares?
They only haunt you when you keep on thinking of it too. –Z

Walang mahirap kung gusto. Pero minsan, di pwedeng gusto lang kapag wala namang sapat na dahilan. Dahil di lahat ng gusto ginagawan ng paraan. — Z ✌️

📷: Ctto

F L A W L E S S

Just because you don’t have what others do, doesn’t mean it will make any less of you.

Every woman us uniquely classified.
Age is just a number.
Weight is just a measurement.
Shape is just a description.
You are not to be insecured over your unlikeable parts because every flaw you own, makes up more of who you are.

Each beauty has its kind.
Standards shouldn’t hold you back, so do away with the norm.

The lines on your face;
The marks on your body;
The scratches on your soul;
It is what you’ve become.
Flawed yet always beautiful.

I hope you’ll learn to own your imperfections and maximize what you’ve got.

It is not just about conforming to the status quo.
It’s more on what you do with what you have.
And what you have, you need to love.

We don’t live in people’s expectations. The only expectation that we need to meet is that of ourselves. –Z

📷: @Hodgepodgemnl

*Love what you have and everything in between.

#notobodyshaming

#bodypositivity